An elderly woman goes to the doctor.
She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell."
The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."
A little girl went up to her mother one day, holding her stomach and said, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup for the girl.
Later that day, when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner, the pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile, and said, "I know what's wrong! That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
- "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
- "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.